Sunday, February 05, 2006


17 years ago, I was 17. 17 turned out to be a seminal year for me- it all came to a head that year. Before that, I was just being a teenager the best I could. My mom thought that I had a boyfriend. I found her insinuations annoying. I still was not a big fan of being touched, and I was afraid I could never have a boyfriend. Still, Jack drove me home from school every day and dropped me off last, even though I only lived the closest to school. He didn't shoot fireworks at me, even though his friends called him a pussy for making me immune to that particular ritual of friendship. He never purposely shot me in the butt when we played paintball like the other guys did. He was nice, patient, and not angry at all even though he had a very large gun collection (paintball and real). He was the perfect guy, but I was afraid to be his girlfriend. So, I hung around him, hoping he would wear down my defenses eventually.

That summer he moved in with a college guy he knew. A block down the street 2 guys I knew from high school moved into a house with a 24 year old guy named Tom that no one seemed to know much about. He was tall and skinny, and he was creepy, hanging around a bunch of high school kids, leering at us. I avoided him. I had a friend, Laurie, who was only in town during the summers thanks to one of those creative custody arrangements, and she would come over and we would walk over there. We would basically ping-pong between the 2 houses. I was friends with 1 the high school guys, Brian, and Laurie had a thing for the other one, Vic. Laurie had figured out that there was something going on between Jack and I, so we balanced our time between the houses.

We were teenagers, it was summer, and both houses had access to alcohol through the roommates. Jack also had a beer-making project going on. His beer tasted horrible, but if we started at Brian and Vic's, we'd be a little tipsy and then we didn't care that the homemade beer was disgusting and drank it anyway. One night we went back to Brian and Vic's after Jack's on the urging of Laurie, who had unfinished business there. We were all hanging out in the living room, but soon Laurie and Vic were in his bedroom. Soon after, Brian, whose "bedroom" was the living room, went into Tom's room to lie down. I didn't want to go back to Jack's because it was late, he was in bed, and I wasn't exactly ready to crawl in bed with him. I didn't want to bother Laurie, knowing she had been crushed out on Vic all summer. I was afraid Tom, who was lurking in the kitchen, would try something since I was basically alone with him. So I thought the safest route would be to lie down next to Brian.

I curled up on the edge of the bed, trying not to move much since it was a waterbed and I didn't want to disturb Brian. I closed my eyes and breathed, hoping Laurie would be done soon. Breathe, in and out, in and out...

Suddenly I felt a weight on my back. Tom's long legs were pressing down on mine and forcing my legs open. I cursed myself for wearing a skirt. He had grabbed my arms and pushed them up, and was holding an arm and pressing his forearm against the back of my head, shoving my face into the waterbed. My first priority was trying to get my head in a position so I could breathe even though his weight was on my head and the waterbed was enveloping my face. At the same time, I was thrashing around, trying to get away, but he surrounded me with his limbs, and his body felt like a thousand pounds on my back. I had no leverage on the waterbed, which took my struggling and slapped it back on me. He whispered in my ear, "this is my bed. You came in here, now you have to sleep with me." I thought what about Brian? He's in your bed. And I thought, why isn't Brian doing anything? I thought he was my friend, and I could tell from his breathing that he was not asleep.

Then the nightmare really started. Tom had pulled down my underwear in the struggle and was trying to shove himself inside me. Because of how I was positioned, and because I was completely dry, and he had to hold me down at the same time, he kept stabbing and stabbing at me but couldn't get in. It hurt, it hurt, and I was trying not to cry and I was afraid he would just rape me in the ass and I thought that would hurt worse. I managed to turn my upper body while he was distracted by his efforts. He came down on my shoulder but I quickly said, "please just let me turn over." First, he said no, and I said, "you're not going to be able to get into me like that and I can't breathe. Just let me turn over." So, he did, but told me "you are going to have sex with me. You can't get out of it."

He kept holding me down and it still hurt. I lied there and tried to block it out, the way I blocked out my great-uncle. I looked at the walls, which were bare, like a prison. The window was behind me. I prayed for him to finish. I cursed myself some more for wearing a skirt and I was still trying not to cry. When he was done, I pushed him off me and stood up. He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me down, but ejaculating must have sapped his strength. I guess he wanted to cuddle with the high school girl he just raped.

I pulled up my underwear and went outside. I wanted to vomit. My head was throbbing. Laurie came out and wanted to know why I was outside. I didn't tell her.


Ally said...

Hi Kristina. Thanks for leaving me a comment, and linking. I'll link back. I agree - we *can't* walk away from these thing. And the more people speak up, the less it will happen to other people. Thank you for sharing.

ventures2006 said...

(Privately for you)

I would like to offer some simple phrases quoted somewhere else... "Be strong and of good courage.." ..."Fear not the one who can destroy this body but the one who can the soul"...