Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
My parents were in this dream too. I was living with them. They didn’t figure prominently. My dad was annoyed that I was up late in the basement doing homework, and my mom was playing supportive. My dad was an additional stressor, but that was about it. I was hiding in the basement from him though. I was always afraid of the basement when I was a kid. I had dreams about being chased around down there.
Right now (in awake world) I’m eating a vegan breakfast in day one of my experimental vegan athlete diet (Vega). It is a twelve week diet from a book. I am trying it out. It is free from common allergens- gluten, soy, corn, as well as dairy, eggs, and meat. I am hoping I might get more energy, be sick less, and lose some weight. If I feel better in 12 weeks I’ll keep going, and if not, I’ll stop. It was time-consuming getting started. I spent several hours yesterday grocery shopping, on top of an hour last Thursday and many hours compiling my grocery list. There is a lot of fruit and vegetables, seeds and nuts, and things I’ve never bought before like hemp protein and brown rice miso paste. Then I spent about 3 hours last night preparing and cooking for today. I made yam pancakes (no flour), energy bars, a salad, salad dressing, and a smoothie. So far it tastes pretty good. I really, genuinely like vegetables and most “health” food, so I am lucky. It’s not such a stretch for me to switch to this diet. I do like preparing food too, although I hope it doesn’t take quite so long every time. This is a pretty serious diet.
Thursday, December 09, 2010
This is day one of giving my subconscious a VOICE. I usually have very detailed and vivid dreams, but I woke up today sweaty but not in the middle of something. I listened to my guided imagery last night, so that might have helped. Last night/morning, I dreamt I was driving a really nice, red sports car, but I couldn’t control it. The brakes didn’t work sometimes, and sometimes they were VERY sensitive. The steering was the same way. I kept thinking how great it was that I had this fantastic car, but damned if I could drive it. Seemed like a pretty accurate metaphor for my life. I have a great life, my dream life in a lot of ways, but I often feel out of control and that it’s not quite working because I can’t get it to do what I want it to do. I’m afraid of crashing and destroying the whole thing. I want to reach into my mind and see what is going on in there. There is a primordial soup of pain and fear and longing that wants to get out. I want it to get out. I had a vision a while ago, in EMDR, of these feelings growing out my back into large, beautiful wings, anchored in my body by a core of strength and resilience that came from my earlier experiences. The wings are kind of a dirty white, almost grey, but they are stunning and gorgeous and strong, and they can do what I couldn’t do when I was a kid- strike back with incredible force or fly me out of there. My rats are like little envoys from that place inside me that the wings grew out of. They are creatures of survival, smart, clever, resourceful, adaptable, resilient, but also full of personality. They are funny, sweet, loving, social, and curious. They survive, but that’s not all they are. They are strong and persistent, but also cute and sweet. They are my spirit animal. We understand each other. A rat in human form has wings though. My therapist thought my superhero power was holding all the pain and anguish and despair of my childhood away from me, but my superhero power IS that pain and anguish and despair. It’s what my strength grows out of. It’s the primordial soup of my life.
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
I have a new anniversary in December this year- on December 7 I will have been with my boyfriend, JW, for a year. Our relationship has impacted everything for me- he's been my support system, my best friend, the person who is always trying to make me laugh and made the hard times so much more bearable. The man is a saint. He is so patient and kind, caring, and considerate. He's helped me feel less like a problem and a disaster and more like a strong and desirable person. He sees my moods and emotional struggles as normal and understandable. He is safe. I can be myself around him, even if myself happens to be confused, pulling my hair out (or banging my head against a wall), and wailing against the world. He still loves me just as much as when I'm sweet and lighthearted.
Plus, he is sexy, funny, fun, wicked smart, interesting, unique, goofy, and intriguing. He looks like a grown-up skater boy, which is a look I find totally hot. I love watching him play hockey, and he is the most amazing hockey geek and gear head. He knows so much and sees so much. He notices things I glaze over. When we go to the warm-up before NHL games he sees variations on the equipment I would never notice. He thinks I'm sexy and that makes me feel sexy. I'm free to be myself around him, and I've discovered that inspires me to odd animal sounds. I make dinosaur noises after we have sex and it seems perfectly natural. (I didn't even know I knew what dinosaurs sound like before I met him.) We connect with each other. I feel emotionally in tune with him, and his intellect fascinates me. I could learn about the way he sees the world for the rest of my life and it would never get old. He loves animals. I love animals. I love his dogs and cats, and he loves my rats. All these connections and comfort I have with him results in the most amazing physical relationship I've ever had. No one has ever made me feel the way he does. I've never been so present with anyone, so able to really be there mentally and emotionally when being physical.
So this month, December daily blogathon month, I want to write about this past year, how my life has evolved, and how wonderful my year with JW has been. I'm sure I'll still struggle this month with the holidays, but I know it will be a different experience because I won't be alone with it. I'm building a new family to share/survive/enjoy the holidays with. I was thankful for that on Thanksgiving this year and Christmas seems a lot less daunting because of it.