Saturday, May 26, 2012

Number 14, get out NOW!

I'm at the Oceanside rink watching the game before JW's, which was not that interesting until a fight broke out and they called the game early because the score was 0-11. Clearly someone is in the wrong division. It was someone from the winning team that was kicked out of the game, so that's kind of crappy. Poor winners.

My team played this morning at 11:15 am. We lost pretty badly. It was a frustrating game- their goals seemed to come off of fluky bounces and we couldn't put it in the net. I did go balls to walls, despite my lack of balls, so it wasn't for lack of trying. I'm a lot better at trying to carry the puck up when I get it instead of just dumping it. It is definitely a beginner thing to want to get rid of the puck the second you get it.

Okay, I'm back from JW's game. They won again, but it was a close game just like yesterday. The team they played today has a bunch of players who are friends of ours from our Lakewood team, the Dirty Martinis. It was fun to watch JW playing against guys he normally plays with. There are a lot of L.A. teams here. Tomorrow my team plays the Polar Cats, who have a bunch of women I know from playing in Panorama City. There are a lot of local teams too, and teams from other Southwestern states, but there are also teams from around the country (Oregon, Texas, Chicago, Baltimore, New York, Washington D.C.) and teams from Canada (3 from Calgary, Edmonton, 2 from British Columbia, Alberta, Montreal, Nova Scotia). There are some funny names too- Phoenix Mid Ice Crisis, Bay Area Angry Dolphins, San Jose Brown Trouts, Anaheim Sleestaks, Burnaby Fighting Hedge Sparrows, Colorado Booooze, Las Vegas Hockey Mob, Phoenix Project Mayhem, but I'm going to have to give the funniest team name to the Las Vegas Hookers N Blow. How could you not laugh at that?

We're done playing for today. Tonight we have our team dinner at a place with an electrical bull. I've been waiting all year to go back there! We have the team dinner there every year. JW has to keep an eye on me because I loves me some tequila shots. A couple years ago I got a tad violently ill the next day and was a little sick for our last game. You'd think playing four games over the weekend would require you to be in great shape and take care of yourself, but you'd be wrong about that. If hockey players weren't such heavy drinkers on a regular basis, I'd say that tournaments are really where we do our annual binge drinking. That is true, but it's maybe only slightly more than some people drink regularly. I always have high hopes of losing weight over the long weekend, but that soon goes out the window with having to eat out and all the shots and how ravenous I am after playing. I am inspired to get in better shape when I get back to L.A. The stronger your thighs and core, the better and longer you can skate. Upper body strength helps you fight back when you're being pushed around. Building up your stamina with cardio helps too. Basically, the better shape you're in the more you can push yourself when you're on the ice, and bursts of speed to get to the puck first and fighting for the puck and position in front of the net is what it's all about. Onward!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Let's Go Kings!

Hello from Arizona. I'm here for the annual hockey tournament here in Phoenix. I'm playing in the lowest women's division on the L.A. Chill, and the boyfriend is playing on the Let' team, which is in the second to last men's/co-ed division. Right now I'm at the Ice Den, the Phoenix Coyotes practice facility, waiting for JW's first game. I had my first game earlier today at 4:30 pm. We tied Colorado Springs Pikes Peak Posse 2. They kept in our zone more than we did theirs, but no one scored so we ended 0-0. JW is in the locker room and I'm watching the game before his, which is teams from the fifth from the top division. There are 12 men's/co-ed divisions and 4 women's divisions. The women's divisions are all, obviously, women, and women can play in the other divisions but you rarely see women in anything but the lowest divisions. It is really fun to just watch games, especially because the teams in the top divisions (both men and women) are crazy good. The game I'm watching now is very fast and physical. Few people I know could survive at this level, and this is fifth from the top. It is exciting to see people playing recreational hockey that are this good. Of course, there are former college players and even former minor league players and men that were drafted by NHL teams but didn't play at that level. I was told that women from the US National team have played in the the Las Vegas women's tournament (put on by the same people).

It is really nice to be here and no have any work related-projects or stress on my mind. I don't even have to rush back after we're done, and we drove here a day early. In some sense it's a real vacation, although you could argue since I'm not working it's not a vacation at all. My boyfriend keeps telling me I look so much more relaxed than he's ever seen me. I've been on medical leave since the day after I had the lovely conversation with HR. It's unpaid, so I'm living off savings, but even with the worry about money it is like I escaped hell. It is amazing to just be. I thought I'd spend a couple weeks in bed, but I'm getting up at a reasonable hour most days and I feel motivated to exercise and work on projects at home. Chief among them is digging out of my clutter problem, which I enjoy now that I'm not dreading going back to work. Since the HR thing I'm developed a touch of agoraphobia. I trust other people even less than I did before, and I feel uncomfortable wonder what people are saying about me behind my back. I'm finding myself going numb and feeling distant around other people, something I used to do all the time when I was younger but had abated before this "normal people should stay away from her" thing. My therapist didn't think it was very funny, but I told her I was pitting one anxiety disorder against another, that is, going after my hording while I'm stuck at home feeling afraid to go out. Might as well. It is the evolution of my post-traumatic stress disorder- one stress calms down while another one flares up.

I've felt totally comfortable since I got to the tournament. The boyfriend is the only person I totally trust, and I don't feel agoraphobic around my teammates or other hockey players. They are my people. Speaking of which, OH MY GOD THE KINGS MADE THE STANLEY CUP FINAL!!!!!! Today we found out we are playing the New Jersey Devils, who beat the New York Rangers in overtime. I can hardly believe that I, mere mortal that I am, will be watching Stanley Cup finals game live from the fifth row behind the home net. The Kings unexpected journey from barely making the playoffs to blowing through the first, second, and third seeded teams in the Western Conference in 14 games (12 wins, 2 losses) is inspiring. If they can go from perpetual underachievers struggling through the regular season to a playoff demolition machine, I figure I can find a way to live my dream as a professional blogger. Onward!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

The present is weird.

The Kings swept the Blues and are going to the Western Conference final. Wait, what? I think the Kings Nation (not really a nation. More like a small town) is more shocked than anyone. After all, it's been a while. Equally shocking, Barry "Not on Twitter" Melrose picked the Kings to beat the Canucks in the first round (just to be clear, the Canucks were #1 going into the playoffs, and the Kings were #8), but bailed off the Kings bandwagon before the last round, picking the Blues to win the series. What up, Barry? You can't abandon us now.

The NHL Network must have had to do some last minute research, since the last time they covered the Kings was, well, never. NHL Network, glad you're giving props to Kopi, Brown, and Quick, but I beg you, cut back on the Nickelback. Seriously, it's not necessary to play a playoff montage set to a Nickelback song every half-hour. I get it. Nickelback is the soundtrack to the 2012 playoffs. I have been sufficiently brainwashed.

I'm actually trying to brainwash myself right now, literally wash my brain of thinking about the future. I never realized how much I obsess on the future. I'm on unpaid medical leave from work; my future is unknown. I feel it is important to not make any decisions at the moment. It is like standing in total darkness and trying to keep from convincing myself that I can see some familiar shadow to walk towards instead of waiting for morning to find the right path. I don't know what to do. I don't know what will happen. The constant struggling towards a goal has to stop and I have to let the chips fall where they may.

I'm also trying to not think about work. The HR response feels like a rubber stamp for people to treat me any way they want to, and I'm not only afraid to go to work, but I'm afraid to leave my apartment. That sounds bad, but I think it's actually good for me to be here because it is like sitting in my mind. I'm not distracted. There is a lot to do in the present. Today I wandered around my apartment doing random things- going through my piles of papers, sending cards, calling my insurance, taking care of the rats, washing brain is messy. I really don't know how to be in the present. I'm always trying to get somewhere else, and my present has been neglected. I'm not planning to spend all my time in my apartment, but I think it will help me to keep practicing being in the present and cleaning up my messiness.

Friday, May 04, 2012

Apparently, my co-workers are sunshine hating vampires. I should have known.

I've been dealing with some very emotionally draining crapola lately, which has sapped my energy to write, but here's a quick update on my last two days.

Thursday, May 3

Kings defeat the Blues 4-2, go ahead in the second round series 3 games to 0.

It's nice to be a Kings fan!
Kopitar, Superstar

Don't worry about me, I'll just hang out here and wait for the puck.

I've never heard the ENTIRE crowd taunting the opposing goalie.

Don't be blue!

There were a lot of grins on the Kings' faces.

I love you Willie Mitchell!
Friday, May 4

My conversation with the HR woman who investigated my complaint of discrimination based on health status-

HR: Well, when you put that kind of information out there, you can't control what people do with it.

Me: You mean, it was my fault that my co-workers read my blog, talked at work about me being raped and called me crazy and told people to stay away from me?

HR: Well, you put it out there. (shrugs)

Me: So, if I blogged about being Jewish, and people talked about it at work and said anti-Semitic things about me, it would be okay because I put it out there?

HR: Well, you see, religion is a protected class.

Me: So is health status.

HR: Well, if someone hates sunshine, and they don't like people who wear yellow, there's nothing we can do about that.

Me: What if they won't work with anyone who wears yellow?

HR: Well, yes, that would be a problem.

Me: There are people who won't work with me.

HR: Well, I asked them, and they denied it.

Nice one, HR. Glad you took my discrimination complaint so seriously.

Since my co-workers apparently read my blog to get "dirt" on me, and that's okay because I'm "putting it out there," let me make sure everything is out on the table for you. I don't want you to have to read too carefully.

I have post-traumatic stress disorder, which is a mental illness. I take anti-depressants. I go to therapy. I was raped and sexually abused and physically abused, and I actually think I should be able to write about it instead of living in shame and secrecy. I lived on the streets. I did drugs. I had an abortion. A lot of my body is covered with tattoos, and I'm getting more. I listen to punk rock music and I was an antisocial punk who hated the world when I lived on the streets. I've been trying to fight corruption from the inside, but I've given up on you people. I come from a lower middle-class family. I'm not one of you. My brother committed suicide. My mom is clinically depressed. I have a lot of alcoholism and mental illness in both sides of my family. I wear a lot of black. I have piercings. I'm not married, and I don't have kids. I have sex with my boyfriend, and like I said, we're not married. I'm part of a non-traditional religion, and I believe in multiple Gods and Goddesses. I'm a feminist liberal. I think taxes should be raised. I don't have a problem with Christians, but I think there is a right-wing Christian conspiracy to take over the government. I think the death penalty is wrong and racist, and I'm pro-gun control. I usually vote for Democrats. I'm pro-choice and pro-birth control, and I think religous institutions' medical coverage should include birth control for women. I'm against teaching creationism in schools and for teaching climate change. I want our government to spend more money on schools and social programs, and less on the military. I'm for election reform and more regulation. I don't lie to state auditors, and I don't kiss people's asses or go after people behind their back to get ahead. To all of you who called me crazy- you are weak, self-absorbed idiots. If you pulled your heads out of your asses, you might someday become decent people but I doubt it.

Is that enough for you? If you think you're going to prevent me from making a living the way I choose, you are wrong. If you think you'll stop me from being who I am, you are wrong. If you think you're going to take away my free speech and my right to my life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness, you are wrong. The only way you'll stop me from blogging about whatever I want is to pry my computer from my cold, dead hands.

Enjoy your pathetic, shallow lives, asshats.

To my friends and bf- love you guys! You make life worth living.