Thursday, May 10, 2012

The present is weird.

The Kings swept the Blues and are going to the Western Conference final. Wait, what? I think the Kings Nation (not really a nation. More like a small town) is more shocked than anyone. After all, it's been a while. Equally shocking, Barry "Not on Twitter" Melrose picked the Kings to beat the Canucks in the first round (just to be clear, the Canucks were #1 going into the playoffs, and the Kings were #8), but bailed off the Kings bandwagon before the last round, picking the Blues to win the series. What up, Barry? You can't abandon us now.

The NHL Network must have had to do some last minute research, since the last time they covered the Kings was, well, never. NHL Network, glad you're giving props to Kopi, Brown, and Quick, but I beg you, cut back on the Nickelback. Seriously, it's not necessary to play a playoff montage set to a Nickelback song every half-hour. I get it. Nickelback is the soundtrack to the 2012 playoffs. I have been sufficiently brainwashed.

I'm actually trying to brainwash myself right now, literally wash my brain of thinking about the future. I never realized how much I obsess on the future. I'm on unpaid medical leave from work; my future is unknown. I feel it is important to not make any decisions at the moment. It is like standing in total darkness and trying to keep from convincing myself that I can see some familiar shadow to walk towards instead of waiting for morning to find the right path. I don't know what to do. I don't know what will happen. The constant struggling towards a goal has to stop and I have to let the chips fall where they may.

I'm also trying to not think about work. The HR response feels like a rubber stamp for people to treat me any way they want to, and I'm not only afraid to go to work, but I'm afraid to leave my apartment. That sounds bad, but I think it's actually good for me to be here because it is like sitting in my mind. I'm not distracted. There is a lot to do in the present. Today I wandered around my apartment doing random things- going through my piles of papers, sending cards, calling my insurance, taking care of the rats, washing brain is messy. I really don't know how to be in the present. I'm always trying to get somewhere else, and my present has been neglected. I'm not planning to spend all my time in my apartment, but I think it will help me to keep practicing being in the present and cleaning up my messiness.

1 comment:

~~A said...

This something I read and think about: WORRY/Anxiety
It is to say, however, that we shouldn’t be possessive about our uncertainties, particularly as one of the dominant features of anxiety is its recursiveness. Anxiety begins with a single worry, and the more you concentrate on that worry, the more powerful it gets, and the more you worry. One of the best things you can do is learn to let go: to disempower the worry altogether. If you start to believe that anxiety is a foregone conclusion — if you start to believe the hype about the times we live in — then you risk surrendering the battle before it’s begun.
From a sufferer’s perspective, anxiety is always and absolutely personal. It is an experience: a coloration in the way one thinks, feels and acts. It is a petty monster able to work such humdrum tricks as paralyzing you over your salad, convincing you that a choice between blue cheese and vinaigrette is as dire as that between life and death. When you are on intimate terms with something so monumentally subjective, it is hard to think in terms of epochs.
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