Monday, April 24, 2006

Innovation

It has been a couple weeks since I have posted. I have been thinking a lot. I went to a Survivors of Suicide (SOS) meeting in that time (which is facilitated by 2 therapists), and saw my therapist. It had been more than a month since I had seen my therapist- right before I sent those letters.

Most everything and everyone seems to support the conclusion that I have moved towards, that I need to make a break from my parents, and remove them from my life. My relationship with them was based on a fantasy that someday they would start acting like parents. That is not going to happen.

All the many therapists in my life have told me I will start grieving soon. I am grieving for my brother, as all the other crap is working itself out and now the sadness is all that is left. That, and the intense feelings of love and gratitude that he was the person who got me through a horrible childhood, and kept me from bitterness and hatred towards the world because he was such a good, decent, kind person who looked up to me, made me feel worthwhile, and made me laugh in the darkest times. It is so, so sad that he did not survive.

I'm also grieving my childhood and that I do not feel any respect for the people who brought me into the world, and were supposed to be my role models and supporters. Now that I have no more expectations of them, they are dead to me. That probably sounds stupid, but I never had functioning parents. They are 2 miserable, childish people who I am now willing to let live with their decisions, their crappy behavior. I am composing letters to both of them, letting them know that I will not be in their lives anymore. I'm also going to change my middle and last names.

Next weekend I am going to E. WA to visit Jeff's grave, and the grief that I feel is already heavy inside me. Nevertheless, I will get through it, and I will be able to move on. I am feeling freer in my life than I ever have, and I am ready for this to be over (and to stop writing about this in my blog! I want to move on to other topics, to write about anything besides my parents.)

Speaking of blogs, I am in the process of moving this one to another location. It's been brought to my attention that my blog is looking all sorts of screwy lately. What is up, Friendster? You have been great and all, but apparently, as your name suggests, you are better with friends than blogs. I have many, many fond memories of my blog on Friendster, but shortly I will post the address of my new blog, for your reference. Maybe I can kick it off with a posting about something other than my family!

I had a migraine/stomach attack last week, and in order to avoid a repeat, I am trying to get this source of stress out of my life. That is all it is at this point, needless stress left over from my old life. BTW, I got a new job! I start May 15. My life is full of amazing changes right now. I never would have thought 6 months ago that I was at the beginning of a revolution.

I am an incredibly happy person. I am also fortunate, maybe even blessed. Yes, I do not know by who, but definitely blessed.

1 comment:

Kristina said...

From Friendster blog:

You are blessed because you are a wonderful person and you deserve it. Change is scary, but hang in there.

Please email me your new blog address. I'm on here (Friendster - Welcome to my Nightmate or under my name Gail Jeanne) and I think you have my email address.

Your SOS friend