First, the exciting stuff. My Lakewood team, the Dirty Martinis, beat the first place team Trainwreck in the playoffs and we're going to the final this Saturday! We played a tight game. There was a lot of jabbering and retaliatory penalties though. It was making me a little nervous because the yelling really bothers me more than anything. Verbal intimidation can give me flashbacks. With four minutes left, Will on our team told everyone to shut up and stop letting them draw us into fights. We were tied at the time, but I think calming down and focusing on winning rather than the rivalry helped us go strong into the overtime and win. The other team was definitely not expecting us to eliminate them, and they were pissed. Even though there was some loudmouths on that team, their goalie seemed cool and a couple of people on their team were trying to break up fights. We play the Grinders in the final. I can hardly wait. My Blue Lady Kings team has our third game of the new season this Friday. As if that wasn't enough hockey goodness, the NHL season started last week, and we're going to the Canucks-Kings game on Friday as well. The Kings beat the Canucks at their home season opener, Kings beat the Atlanta Thrashers at their home season opener, and right now I'm watching the Canucks at the Anaheim Ducks for the Ducks home season opener. It's currently tied. Long live hockey!
Oh, wait, Canucks just scored.
Also exciting news- I got my first smart phone. It is a Droid X, and he is quite the electronic goofball. I'll be working or sitting on the couch and he'll announce in his deep robot voice, "DROID". I guess that just means I got a message or something, but it sounds like he just wants to remind me of his presence. I like to give electronics and other devices names- my car is Penelope, my GPS is Gina, and my iPod is James. I originally named my Droid Smurfly, because I put a blue cover on him. I've been calling him Big Smurf, though, because of his deep voice. I also call him Superfly.
Ducks just tied it up. Oh wow, Ducks scored again. Bobby Ryan. I like him.
Okay, boring. I want a boring life. I'm so burned out on drama and struggle and chaos. I want things to be simple and orderly and clean. But I'm also afraid of that. I'm afraid that if I get everything the way I want it, some outside force will come make a mess of it. I'm afraid of getting too comfortable with stability, and then having it taken away from me and the grief that would cause me. I'm afraid of screwing things up myself. I felt for many years that I was cursed to have bad things happen to me, and it's hard to accept that maybe things are different now. I have these apocalyptic fantasies that we'll end up in a Terminator/Mad Max/Resident Evil type world, and I'll be forced back to a life of being hunted and fear. My apartment, and my office, continues to reflect my internal conflict. I want order and simplicity, but I'm more used to chaos and disorder. I'm afraid I'll lose my ability to deal with adversity, and get soft. I'm afraid I'll get too attached to comfort and predictability, and be devastated when it's taken away from me. I'm afraid of getting caught by surprise. I'm really afraid of that.
I talked to my therapist today, and she says I'll have to consciously challenge that part of me that reverts to chaos, that feels that order is pointless because someone will just come in and destroy it. The part of me that figures it's better for me to live in a messy apartment because if I'm not containing the chaos in my apartment it will come at me from a place unknown and beyond my control. My first concrete step is to spend 30 minutes a day cleaning my apartment. And generally, my goal is to be boring. Live a boring life. Let myself get used to a life without craziness. Accept comfort in my life without guilt or panic.