Oh, wait, Canucks just scored.
Also exciting news- I got my first smart phone. It is a Droid X, and he is quite the electronic goofball. I'll be working or sitting on the couch and he'll announce in his deep robot voice, "DROID". I guess that just means I got a message or something, but it sounds like he just wants to remind me of his presence. I like to give electronics and other devices names- my car is Penelope, my GPS is Gina, and my iPod is James. I originally named my Droid Smurfly, because I put a blue cover on him. I've been calling him Big Smurf, though, because of his deep voice. I also call him Superfly.
Ducks just tied it up. Oh wow, Ducks scored again. Bobby Ryan. I like him.
Okay, boring. I want a boring life. I'm so burned out on drama and struggle and chaos. I want things to be simple and orderly and clean. But I'm also afraid of that. I'm afraid that if I get everything the way I want it, some outside force will come make a mess of it. I'm afraid of getting too comfortable with stability, and then having it taken away from me and the grief that would cause me. I'm afraid of screwing things up myself. I felt for many years that I was cursed to have bad things happen to me, and it's hard to accept that maybe things are different now. I have these apocalyptic fantasies that we'll end up in a Terminator/Mad Max/Resident Evil type world, and I'll be forced back to a life of being hunted and fear. My apartment, and my office, continues to reflect my internal conflict. I want order and simplicity, but I'm more used to chaos and disorder. I'm afraid I'll lose my ability to deal with adversity, and get soft. I'm afraid I'll get too attached to comfort and predictability, and be devastated when it's taken away from me. I'm afraid of getting caught by surprise. I'm really afraid of that.
I talked to my therapist today, and she says I'll have to consciously challenge that part of me that reverts to chaos, that feels that order is pointless because someone will just come in and destroy it. The part of me that figures it's better for me to live in a messy apartment because if I'm not containing the chaos in my apartment it will come at me from a place unknown and beyond my control. My first concrete step is to spend 30 minutes a day cleaning my apartment. And generally, my goal is to be boring. Live a boring life. Let myself get used to a life without craziness. Accept comfort in my life without guilt or panic.
1 comment:
I understand the thing about having a messy house. Mine's quite the same way, that being because growing up I was forced to keep it neat as a pin and now I keep it messy on purpose as a way to take back my power from my mother. It's like me giving her a big middle finger.
I'm not much for sports of any kind so I have no commentary on the hockey part, although I agree with the yelling is annoying. I don't like yelling nor do I hardly ever yell myself. To me, yelling shows a lack of self-control and it's also a bullying tactic. When someone knows their argument has been disproven, they will often resort to yelling or name calling to re-direct the attention from their faulty reasoning and openly attack the other person. A cool headed person will wait it out and then bring the conversation back to the original topic rather than allowing themselves to be misdirected.
How are your rats doing with the heat now?
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