Thursday, September 17, 2015

Who are you, exactly?

I've been back in Seattle since Sunday, and I'm already going a little bonkers. I have a hard time with not having my own space. I did fine with the hotel rooms. I've been staying with friends, and it's difficult to do my evening routine and wind down. Plus, I'm a cat magnet. I'm not a cat person, so of course cats love me. They are cute, but I get kneaded on a lot with claws, and I'm kind of allergic. I'm especially human catnip when I try to work on my computer. I'm staying with two tiny kittens for the next four days, and they are loving all over me. And climbing up my legs. And chewing on my cords. My evening routine involves a lot of cords. I am very much eager to get a job and an apartment.

I forget how difficult it is for me to control my PTSD symptoms without being able to control my environment, at least my home environment. I would think I would understand what I need to manage my condition by now, but I seem to forget. To be fair, I was finding Los Angeles to be very stressful and triggering, which is a big reason why I wanted to leave. So ultimately it was to manage my PTSD. Also, my dog had become my major coping mechanism. I swear, he had doggie PTSD. He came from the streets too, and we comforted each other. I don't want to try to replace him, but I don't know that I can find that kind of comfort any other way. It's frustrating to be struggling so much, after all this time, and feeling that I'm back to square one. Even worse than square one, because I'm more aware than ever of how I feel. The only goal that makes sense to me right now is to orient my life around reducing my symptoms.

One thing that I've noticed is that almost everyone I know is struggling in some way. I'm certainly not the only person I know who's dealing with depression. It seems a little odd to me that so many people are depressed. Is this the world we live in? Is this just part of our modern, first-world life? So many people seem to hate their jobs. They demand complete loyalty and devotion, but will lay you off in a second, and you're supposed thank them for the opportunity. Corporate life. I don't think I can possibly do that again, even for the freedom the money brings. It's trading one freedom for another. I actually don't see how I can make it work regardless of what I do, so I'm just having faith I will somehow figure it out.

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