The EMDR this morning was different, went deeper. I felt the terror, felt the emptiness. I looked into my mom's face, and she looked away. I felt small and weak. I wanted to throw things at her, make her pay attention, make her feel the pain, if only the physical pain I was in. I realized how alone I was. I had nothing to protect me. I was panicked, searching for a way to survive this. I could feel how torn up my throat was from screaming and crying. My arm was aching. I could feel every blow on my face, my cheekbone and jaw throbbing, my teeth in my lip. I felt my mind slipping away, but the physical pain, like a cord wrapped around my throat, dragging me back, screaming in head to find a way to make this stop. Do anything, my arms so tired from pulling away, shaking. Shaking everywhere, I can't tell if it's coming from inside me or out. Screaming that I can't tell if it's in my head or coming out of me. I have to survive this. I can't die.
It was on the edge of unbearable. My therapist told me to stand up then, and push against her. I put my palms against hers and pushed until my arms shook and I was gasping for breath. The tension went out of my arms then, but I wanted to scream. I still want to scream and scream and scream.