Thursday, August 26, 2010

Happy Death Day

Today turned out to be my last day of questionable eating (and the day I fixed, hopefully all, the multitude of grammatical errors in my last post). This was the third and final day of IFRS training, and I was taken in by temptation. I drank coffee with cream and ate a croissant for breakfast, ate cheese and meat for lunch (sandwiches without the bread, a croissant is one thing but regular bread scares me), and a coke. By the end of the day I had a horrible stomachache, headache, and gas.

I went to get my waxing and nails done after work because I thought it would be relaxing. Funny how getting hot wax smeared on my crotch and having the hair ripped out, and then having someone scrub my feet while I try not to flinch or squeal or kick her is something I interpret as relaxing. The massage chair can wipe away a lot of discomfort. The woman I try to get for my waxing, Amy (probably not her real name) I've been going to for 3 years. She is quite perceptive- I told her I was single and she never asked about it for 2 years, and then as soon as I started dating JW she asked me if I had a boyfriend and said I seemed happy. Anyway, she commented on my pudginess. She managed to make a comment about my belly sticking out more than before not seem completely insulting, but it still strengthened my resolve. That, and half the women who work there wear these cute jeans and I currently can't fit into my cute jeans. Being told by a tiny Asian woman in cute jeans that I'm "curvier" is really motivating me to lose weight.

It is over though. I am ready to attempt life improvement through healthy eating. I had brown rice and vegetables for dinner. I am nervous about tomorrow, mostly about going all day without coffee. I will drink black tea though. I will drink black tea and celebrate my commitment to the new diet. I will also celebrate that tomorrow will be the day after the anniversary. My brother died 13 years ago today. I have been experiencing waves of sadness at random times during the day. I came home and finished unpacking his stuff that I still had boxed up in the corner since moving into this apartment. It has been haunting me all this time, but it is done. The possessions of his I treasure the most is the pottery he made himself. It is all out on the table with his pictures now. Tomorrow my boyfriend is coming over to help me sort through some of my piles and start listing things on eBay and Amazon. Mostly, it will be good to work on my organizational plan together since I'm starting to feel isolated and weird, looking at my brothers things and all sorts of pictures and objects that remind me of the past. I want to get back to the present. That's one of my main reasons for wanted to get rid of a lot of this stuff. It ties me to the past, a past I don't want to feel like a weight around my neck. I don't want my past to feel like a burden anymore.

1 comment:

Morgan MacIntosh said...

I would use the various bowls and pottery items as part of my ankhu shrine. I feel compelled to say this. Or possibly dedicate some of the items as part of my Netjer shrine implements. There's nothing wrong with remembering the past, so long as you do not allow yourself to be consumed by it. Seems to me there is a type of "prayer bowl" that some use when making prayers to the dead, that is you write down your prayers and insert them into the bowl. I've seen virtual Ankhu sites that use such bowls.