Tuesday, June 07, 2011

I'm afraid tonight

I'm afraid to go to bed.
I'm afraid of what I might dream about.
I'm afraid of remembering things I can't handle.
I'm afraid that healing will take so much of me that I won't be able to manage my regular life.
I'm afraid of regressing.
I'm afraid of getting worse rather than better.
I'm afraid of losing my mind.
I'm afraid of suicide.
I'm afraid of dying before I'm ready.
I'm afraid someone will come in my apartment and kill me.
I'm afraid that I am too stupid to get through this.
I'm afraid I will be alone.
I'm afraid no one understands me.
I'm afraid I will get stuck in my childhood trauma.
I'm afraid I will get to the end of my recovery and still feel unhappy.
I'm afraid I will always feel incomplete without my brother.
I'm afraid that if I remember everything that happened to me, I will feel such hopelessness and despair that I will want to die.
I'm afraid I can never be healed.
I'm afraid I will still feel as lost and alone at 71 as I did at 17.
I'm afraid that people might be more bad than good.
I'm afraid that I am hopelessly damaged and will always be broken.
I'm afraid I can't bond with people.
I'm afraid that my wounds run too deep to heal.
I'm afraid I'm too stupid to figure this out, since I was too stupid to handle the abuse better.
I'm afraid I'll always feel like a freak and an outcast.
I'm afraid I don't know how to be happy or live without chaos.
I'm afraid I'll spend the rest of my life with an empty aching inside me when I think of my brother.
I'm afraid that what got my brother will get me.
I'm afraid I'll struggle with depression my whole life.
I'm afraid that my life is limited, and I'll never live up to my potential or feel like I've reached my dreams because the abuse set me back so far I'll never catch up.
I'm afraid my dad will find me and finish beating me to death.
I'm afraid my ex-boyfriend will find me and kidnap me.
I'm afraid that child abuse and sexual abuse will never go away.
I'm afraid that the US foster care system will only get worse.
I'm afraid my dad might kill someone.
I'm afraid my great-uncle is still sexually abusing children.
I'm afraid my dad raped me when I was a baby.
I'm afraid of remembering what my dad did.
I'm afraid if I remember what my dad did to me before I was six, I won't want to live.

4 comments:

~~A said...

Dear K, Your despair takes my breath away. I am impressed by your enormous courage. The courage to accomplish all you have accomplished despite the waking nightmare that haunts you.
Perhaps you can find a few moments of peace through Hatha Yoga. Not to burn calories, but to rejoice in your breath. “Be so attentive to your breath as to fall in love with it.” Aum is a form of Peace; a soothing sound.
Stores sell small brass bowls with a soft mallet that when rubbed along the bowl creates a sound. Each bowl has a slightly different sound. Test them and find a bowl whose sound is appealing to you. Use it when the despair looms large. Simultaneously fall in love with your breath.
You are loved. ~~A

Kristina said...

Thank you. I have never hear of the bowls- I will look for them. I am trying to balance my chakras with yoga right now. I also like doing sweaty yoga. It helps the anxiety go away.

~~A said...

Want to add...I find repeating the following phrase over and over, stops the chatter in my head.
Neti, neti tat twam asi.Translates to: I am not the mind, I am the Self.
Hatha Yoga massages the internal organs and has a healthy overall effect on the body. ~~A

~~A said...

You have a superb memory.Now in your late 30’s you has lived outside of that “other” life for an equal number of years. Recall your life well after those horrible years in an abusive family.
Then recall, through memory, any and all good that your life has given you. Waken from the pain and feel gratitude for all the good, painless moments, and hours of life. Within Those memories are happiness and even Joy. You have accomplished so much, you have demonstrated such courage that it is time to reap THAT harvest. Blessing to you. ~~A