Here I am as Lady Luck. Michelle is in the background. She was a caterer for Halloween. I went to 2 Halloween parties this weekend, and I have 2 more days of dress-up to go. I've seen 2 Ghostbusters, Katie Holmes, Mormon missionaries, 1 of the dancers from the iPod ads, autumn, a horny priest, Hunter S. Thompson, a struggling fashionista from What Not to Wear, Michael Jackson, a female Evil Kineval, Bert & Ernie, Strawberry Shortcake, a keg, lesbian soccer moms, a German beer wench, Kenny from South Park, a box of wine, a fisherwoman, and a grunge rocker, among other things, and it's not technically Halloween yet.
Halloween is 1 of the only holidays I don't dread. It's just fun and crazy. No family, no painful memories, and no fireworks smoke to give me allergies. I've been having a fantastically social time lately. My boyfriend is too busy with grad school to see me very often, so I have been hang out with friends and having fun. The rats keep me company, too.
This Wednesday is my last SOS group therapy meeting. Last week my homework was to write a letter to my brother. I told him all the things I wish I had said before he died. After I wrote it, I realized the letter was to me too. I wrote about the things I wish I had known back then, like that my life would get better, and our parents' behavior was their problem. Maybe later I will post the letter in the blog. It is a really painful letter, though. I found myself crying in the bathroom before the meeting, and it felt the same as crying in the bathroom in between classes the year after Jeff died. It really feels like I have gone back to when it happened 9 years ago, bringing back those feelings I suppressed, and letting myself really feel them this time.
I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. My life feels pretty raw right now. Even worse, my brother's birthday on New Year's Eve is always emotional for me. I have spent the last 8 weeks in group therapy opening up to all these painful feelings, and I cannot disassociate anymore. I am more at peace with myself than I have ever been, and need to continue to respect how I feel and not try to control it. I don't know how I will do with these holidays, holidays that I wish I could ignore. I have tried really hard to ignore them in the past.
I am having a fabulous Halloween week though, and after the dreaded holiday season I turn 35. I can't wait! It will be almost as fun as Halloween. Maybe I will throw a costume party. Got any ideas for a theme? I have almost 3 months to collect suggestions.
The blackest cats that were ever seen wish you good luck on Halloween.
Hey...35? Really? But when I met you you were only 19....we've known each other for 16 years? I'll be home over the X-mas holiday. Will you be around? Can we get dinner?
From what I've read, you seem like an amazing person. You inspire me.
I am sorry you lost your brother. I think your writing is beautiful and allows you touch on the very emotions that are painful. The very painful emotions that will eventually allow for healing.
Mariya, yep, 35. crazy, huh? Nova seems like yesterday. I would love to get dinner! let's do it. I will definitely be around.
Anonymous, thank you! I like the idea that I could be inspiring. I'm very glad you like my writing too. I hope you are right, and that the painful emotions will heal me.
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