Monday, August 03, 2009


is impossible. When I let the guy pursue me, I'm told he thinks I don't like him. (All those books say if he's not trying to be with you he's "not that into you" anyways.) If I pursue him, he loses interest and goes chasing after someone else. I can't win. I used to get flowers, now I'm lucky to get a phone call. The last time a guy called to ask me out was a year and a half ago- a 22 year old unemployed aspiring actor who chatted me up at the laundromat. (There are a lot of those around here. Don't ask me why I gave him my number- I really didn't think he would call. I thought he was just seeing if he could talk me out of it.) I wish I could give up. I'm trying to just give up. It would be a relief to not care. I can see why people would choose to stay far away from this stuff. It could be that I am covered with guy-repellent. Maybe I'm a terrible first date. Maybe I make hideous faces that make guys nauseous and they have to go throw up after they see me. Whatever the reason, I can't take any more of this rejection. I may start applying to MFA programs and submitting my poetry to journal because that kind of rejection would be a breath of fresh air!

I'm kind of hoping no one reads this. What a strange day. I was told I was stunningly gorgeous (which was really nice), that a guy I went on a blind date with (who I initiated contact with) told the setter-upper that he didn't think I liked because I didn't call him after the date (do I have to do everything?), and thought about, while trying really hard not to, how much it hurts that someone who told me he'd always be there for me is ignoring me and lavishing his attention on someone else, a friend of mine. And now I'm whining and feeling sorry for myself. I probably shouldn't be blogging about this, but I still can't talk about this stuff very easily, unless I'm in the bathroom crying before a hockey game I suppose. Then its kind of hard to keep up the brave face. Maybe I have given up. I think that I want someone I can talk to about how I'm feeling, but it just seems impossible that anyone would want to hear about that, which is why my blog seems like my best friend. I miss my brother. This is the death anniversary month. Good old August. It comes every year without fail and I feel like hell for a month straight.


Unknown said...

Well, someone did read this, obviously. Although I still have much to learn in the dating scene, I've learned that most of what matters is confidence and a sense of humor. Also, the guys that won't call, leave you, complain, are sketchy, etc aren't worth the energy. Why would you wanna get attention from a guy that is willing to turn his back on you so easily?

As for the bad dates, I say they are good dates because they make great stories later on :)

Stop by my blog sometime. I love to chat with others about and whatnot.

Unknown said...

Two people read this blog. You see, I'm subscribed so I read all your posts. :P
Something every woman should learn early on is that men are stupid. So finding a stupid you can actually live with is hard work. I found my stupid after giving up on men. Luckily he was a dork and that made him cute.
Often they will show up when you are not looking or thinking about them. Just keep in mind, men are stupid.

Juliana said...

You are stunningly gorgeous, darlin' and you should hear that more often.

Okay, I'm the LAST person who should be talking about dating. And I agree with Geek are stupid. Really. I'm not saying you should shun them or lower your standards, just can't expect logical behavior most of the time.

I never give out my number because only totally repulsive guys ask for it :P

Tealrat said...

you ladies are awesome :) AixelA, I like your blog. I <3 blogging. I'd just like to point out that all 4 of us are amazing blogging women.

sassysue said...

Coming from someone who's known you from earlier days, I've always thought you were the coolest chick. You may be falling apart inside at times, but you've always put up a damn good front of seeming completely together. If only I could fake it so well. (Maybe that sounds bad, but I'm telling you, it's better than wearing every single emotion on your sleeve.)

I also took the train to loser-ville many times and had the hardest time finding a decent guy. I was a friggin loser MAGNET. I was getting my Master's and they were going to the plasma center for extra cash. And I was soooo thankful they liked me that I let them walk all over me. We ALL have issues and don't think for one second that someone won't love you for ALL of you, including the crap. Because it's all a part of who you are. And you are so f'ing cool and sweet and fun and intelligent and a complete hottie, so obviously your utter confidence scares the piss outta men.

Take care this month. I'm here for you WHENEVER you need me. I like you no matter how you are--happy, sad, mad, whatever. We can't be happy fun girls all the time.

Unknown said...

You are awesome, and you are gorgeous, and one of these days some guy who has got his shit together is going to realize that.

Being a guy, I know from experience that we can be clueless and have entirely the wrong expectations about pretty much everything, until we pull it together. And some never do. A relationship with somebody like that would probably be difficult and annoying anyhow...

Mechi Badb said...

Men are stupid. Sometimes I amaze myself with how stupid I am. I don't pretend to understand the games we men sometimes play with women. Asking for a phone number and then not calling back. WTF?! If I went through the trouble of mustering the courage to ask for a number, I sure as hell will call back. I do read your blog also. I found the link on House of Netjer, but I cannot for the life of me recall who you are on that forum. As I said, men are stupid. Speaking from the perspective of a stupid guy, there have been times when I haven't called a woman. It was only after making dates and having them broken by her, leaving messages to inquire as to how she was doing/letting her know I cared, not hearing from her for days on end. Ultimately I stopped calling or visiting as it seemed she was always busy or didn't want to talk, I eventually gave up trying as it didn't seem important to her that we spend time together. Later I heard that she broke it off with me, because I went two weeks without calling her. I guess I'm just stupid. *smile*

I sincerely hope your future days are better than your past ones.