Just a quick update, until I have time to write more- therapy is going well. I've just seen her three times, and I already feel like I understand how I feel much better, and why I feel that way. For instance, why when everyone seems to think I should feel strong and capable and confident, I feel overwhelmed and scared. It's not that I don't believe in myself. It has to do with the way I coped as a child, and I can't just see the world in a totally different way now that I'm an adult. I'm also learning about how the abuse affected me developmentally. The important thing is that my therapist is so knowledgeable about the affects of child abuse and PTSD that she really understands what's going on with me emotionally, and has a plan for how I can learn to cope in ways that will be more successful for me as an adult. Today I left therapy with the realization that I did an amazing job of coping as a child. Good for me.
Speaking of doing a good job, I got my mid-year performance evaluation at work, and it was very positive. I was surprised. I have felt so overwhelmed for probably the last year, I keep expected to get called out- "What is wrong with you? You are not concentrating on your work! We all know how depressed and messed up you are!" Of course my boss is not thinking that at all, which was obvious from my evaluation. I talked about that with my therapist, and I'm also starting to understand my feelings of being a fraud, that fear that at some point everyone will figure out how screwy I really am, and my perfectionism. She actually said, "You're easy!" today, referring to how clear the connection is between the negative feelings I have now and the triggering events or circumstances in childhood. I am totally textbook. When I read about PTSD and the affects of child and sexual abuse, I often think of how perfectly my symptoms fit into the descriptions. I'm an eager to please, straight-A perfectionist even in my emotional sickness. That makes me sound like Hermione, although I really feel more like Luna.
Speaking of, I still haven't seen the fifth Harry Potter movie, but I've seen 1-4 and 6 now, and I just got the first book. I am currently reading the first Sookie Stackhouse book (by Charlaine Harris, the books that True Blood is based on). It is a page turner. It is so great to be reading books just for fun.
Since I did get such a glowing review at work, I decided it would be safe for me to take the anniversary of Jeff's death off so I wouldn't be crying at work that day. It is next Wednesday.