Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Never let me down again

Just a quick update, until I have time to write more- therapy is going well. I've just seen her three times, and I already feel like I understand how I feel much better, and why I feel that way. For instance, why when everyone seems to think I should feel strong and capable and confident, I feel overwhelmed and scared. It's not that I don't believe in myself. It has to do with the way I coped as a child, and I can't just see the world in a totally different way now that I'm an adult. I'm also learning about how the abuse affected me developmentally. The important thing is that my therapist is so knowledgeable about the affects of child abuse and PTSD that she really understands what's going on with me emotionally, and has a plan for how I can learn to cope in ways that will be more successful for me as an adult. Today I left therapy with the realization that I did an amazing job of coping as a child. Good for me.

Speaking of doing a good job, I got my mid-year performance evaluation at work, and it was very positive. I was surprised. I have felt so overwhelmed for probably the last year, I keep expected to get called out- "What is wrong with you? You are not concentrating on your work! We all know how depressed and messed up you are!" Of course my boss is not thinking that at all, which was obvious from my evaluation. I talked about that with my therapist, and I'm also starting to understand my feelings of being a fraud, that fear that at some point everyone will figure out how screwy I really am, and my perfectionism. She actually said, "You're easy!" today, referring to how clear the connection is between the negative feelings I have now and the triggering events or circumstances in childhood. I am totally textbook. When I read about PTSD and the affects of child and sexual abuse, I often think of how perfectly my symptoms fit into the descriptions. I'm an eager to please, straight-A perfectionist even in my emotional sickness. That makes me sound like Hermione, although I really feel more like Luna.

Speaking of, I still haven't seen the fifth Harry Potter movie, but I've seen 1-4 and 6 now, and I just got the first book. I am currently reading the first Sookie Stackhouse book (by Charlaine Harris, the books that True Blood is based on). It is a page turner. It is so great to be reading books just for fun.

Since I did get such a glowing review at work, I decided it would be safe for me to take the anniversary of Jeff's death off so I wouldn't be crying at work that day. It is next Wednesday.


Unknown said...

I'm Hermione, both literally and figuratively! :D

Glad therapy is going well. Of course you did an awesome job of coping as a kid. I did a pretty damn good job myself, and you did far better than I did under worse circumstances!
As far as people "finding out" how screwy you are, all I can say is that I worry about that constantly too. I don't see you as screwy at all. Not even a teeny bit. To quote "Pump Up the Volume" (as embarrassing as that is)"you're not screwed up, you're an unscrewed up reaction to a screwed up
situation. Feeling screwed up at a screwed up time, in a screwed up place does not make
you necessarily screwed up."

I will call you in the very-near future.

Unknown said...

Awesome! You are amazing!

I used to worry about things like that, then I got a "f*ck it; i'm being honest and I dont care what others think" attitude. Not that I'm mean, but I now could care less about what others think. It took me years to reach that point.

Anyway, There's a website about ptsd i found that seems quite good: healmyptsd.com if you're interested

Opal said...

It's so wonderful that you've found a therapist who gets it and who gets YOU.

I've been asking the Universe to please send you a really good PTSD therapist so maybe they heard and answered the request...I'd like to think so because it's comforting to think there's a Divine someone or something that cares about us.

Tealrat said...

Thanks for the website AixelA! It does look interesting. Julimi, love the quote. It is perfect. Opal, I think the universe does provide some balance, and does send help sometimes. So I agree. :)