Thursday, August 06, 2009

Precious Things

Righteousness is a matter of relationships - with God, with things, and with other people. In one instance the word means being right; in another it is used to mean doing right; in still another case it means putting right.

Update from the dark, dark place- getting through the days by doing my crying in the car. Lots of opportunities to do that in LA, not so great for my driving. My saving grace is that it is LA- everyone drives crazy here. I'm thankful I'm not in SF. You almost run red lights there, and they'll plow you down, honking madly at you. My other saving grace is writing. The best thing I ever did was to start blogging. Writing it out is helping me move through it, and bring people to me who are giving me the support I didn't have after my brother's suicide. You find out who's there for you in times like these. Honesty is a powerful force, one that I hope I can be strong enough to let burn away this shame and humiliation and put things right with myself.

I found a psychologist who has experience with PTSD caused by child and sexual abuse. It isn't going to be pretty, or easy, or quick, but I want to see this through until every bit of self-hatred is gone, every bit of guilt, disgust, all the poison. Every year, my life starts to get hard around now- the anniversary of Jeff's death is coming up, then Thanksgiving and Christmas, when I was forced to go to the sexual abuser's house for the holidays. If I'm not tormented it's because I'm suppressing my feelings, so to work it out I'll be trying to let the raw pain wash over me. Two days ago my body and soul ripped open, and I've been walking around like that since then. It hurts, but I want it to keep hurting until I've truly moved through it and reached the other side.

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