Most of my eating difficulties are PTSD-related. Like I said in the
disassociation post, your digestion shuts down when you are under
fight-or-flight stress. PTSD keeps you in a state of arousal,
diverting energy away from things like digestion and into preparing to
deal with stress. So I have poor digestion. I hope that some day after
the PTSD gets better this will be less of a problem, but as of now I
can't eat things like gluten (bread) or dairy at all.
When I am emotionally stressed, usually by some current situation, I
often eat very little and start dropping weight. I feel nauseous all
the time and don't feel like eating. This seems to be my body's
response to stress hormones. In some cases I get so sick to my stomach
that I start throwing up, and can't stop. This has landed me in the
hospital a number of times. I wonder if this is my body's way of
trying to expel extreme levels of stress, by vomiting it out. Kind of
like the "taking the inside and making it outside" response.
Anorexia seems to be somewhat common among women and girls who were
sexually abused, and I can totally understand why that would be. It's
a way of rejecting the body, the body that caused you so much
confusion and disgust. It can be a way of avoiding development into a
woman, and sexuality. I know that when I gain weight it's usually in
my butt and my chest, and I start to feel very uncomfortable with my
body. I feel like people are staring at my boobs, and it embarrass me.
I don't mind having curves but more than anything I want muscle tone.
It makes me feel strong and physically capable, which in turn makes me
feel emotionally strong.