Saturday, July 25, 2009

The Sound and the Fury


I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I have a lot of flashbacks and feelings hitting
me at once, and I disappear on people. I feel like I'm the worst friend in
the world because of it. I'm always afraid I'll disappoint people, so I hope
that they won't have expectation of me. I feel like I let my brother down,
first by leaving him alone with our crazy family when I was put in foster
care, and then not being there for him in the last year of his life. The
thought that I might fail to live up to others' expectations of me makes me
almost want to purposely disappoint people so they won't expect anything. (I
wish my teammates who tell me to go get a goal understood that. I don't do
well under pressure.) I feel like I should make everyone around me happy, so
if things aren't going well for my friends I get scared. I worry they will
blame me in some way. I'm really sensitive to other people's feelings,
especially negative ones, probably because I grew up monitoring my parents'
emotions because I was trying to avoid making them angry. So I find being
around other people exhausting sometimes because I'm so reactive to their
feelings. For someone who is highly social and extroverted, I have a weird
love for female characters in comic books and movies who are antisocial

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