Saturday, July 25, 2009

Hansel and Gretel


I saw a movie where a character was bemoaning having kids because
suicide was no longer an option. Sometimes that's exactly what it is-
an option and a comfort. You can tell yourself that if things get too
bad, you have the power to end it. Then your life is your choice. You
can take it or leave it. Knowing you have that option can help you
chose to live another day. You figure you can always do it tomorrow.
Use procrastination and laziness to keep yourself going. After all,
suicide takes a lot of effort.

It would be easier to joke about if my brother hadn't actually decided
to do it. It horrifies me to think how close I've been and how
agonizing it was. It horrifies me to think of how my brother must have
been feeling. For me, suicidal urges came when I was feeling an empty
numbness coupled with a pain that felt physical, like my skin was
being peeled off, or the numbness and sharp, tingling pain when you're
getting frostbite.

Longing for that escape was sometimes an obsession which I would let
out in small doses with lesser self-destructive behaviors, like
smoking and drinking.

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