I am depressed. I was too sick to play in my Lady Kings game tonight. *sigh* I did go to work. We had our holiday party in the afternoon, so it was really only half the day. I got some things done in the morning, so that was some good productive time. My stomach hurt and I was tired though. I have a pretty bad headache and a fever now. For our holiday party, we went to a restaurant on Fishermans Wharf in Redondo Beach. This is where your sympathy for me dries up, because we sat on the patio and it was 80 degrees outside. Yes, this is December in Southern California. It sure beats rain for three months straight.
So, you might find it ironic, as I do, that I am vitamin D deficient. A couple weeks ago, when I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a sinus infection, I also got a physical including blood tests. Everything came back good (I even got smiley faces for my cholesterol levels and pap smear. Good pap!) except my vitamin D levels are "very low". I find it surprising that anyone residing in L.A. would be vitamin D deficient, as that's basically saying that I don't get enough sun. I really feel that I am getting loads of sun. I guess being a pale skinned goth girl who wears lots of black, long sleeves, and sunscreen is actually cancelling out the effects of the sun. My sense of style is so powerful. I just imagine myself as a cartoon with a cloud over my head, following me around. "I'm only happy when it raaains; I'm only happy when it's complicateddddd, and though I know you can't appreciate it, I'm only happy when it raaaaains. I feel good when things are going wronggg. I only listen to the sad, sad songggs. I'm only happy when it rains. I only smile in the dark. My only comfort is the night gone black..."*
Sometimes I wonder if I'm one of those people that will only be happy if I'm miserable. I don't think I am. I think I'm happy despite miserable things happening. But I do seem to cling to feeling miserable over my brother's death, as if being totally happy would mean forgetting him and how much I still love him and miss him. There's something about PTSD that you focus on the darkness a lot. You don't trust the light. You don't want to get too used to being happy, having someone around, not being poor, having enough to eat, sleeping well, having a job, feeling free- because in a second you think you could lose it all. When you've spent your life on the bottom, moving up in the world, you see how far you could fall. You don't see safety nets, only sheer drop-offs.
I still get tested for HIV because of my first tattoo. I was 19. We cleaned the homemade tattoo gun and needle/guitar string, obsessively, but didn't quite think through pouring the ink back in the bottle after dipping the used, bloody needle in it. Ops! It's been almost 20 years, and I still stress out when I get tested. I have this moment of panic, like, what if I have AIDS and I'll be sick for rest of my life? I'm still negative (of course. Haven't so much as had sex without a condom since then.) Also negative for syphilis, hepatitis, herpes, gonorrhea, and chlamydia. Rock on with my bad (I mean, risk-adverse) self. Getting a positive of any of those would be more surprising than the vitamin D thing since my sex life is the opposite of active, but still good to know.
So I've learned: 1) I will be taking 50,000 IU of vitamin D3 weekly for 12 weeks, followed by 2,000 IU daily. 2) My doctor is really bad at spelling STDs, except HIV and herpes. 3) I think I'm paranoid.
*"Only Happy When It Rains" by Garbage. (This is my favorite kooky video with people wearing animal masks though. This video is totally great, too, but no animal masks.) "I Think I'm Paranoid" is also a Garbage song. The blog post title is a line from Morrissey's song "Everyday Is Like Sunday".