Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Terror of the Three

I feel strange today. Wide open. The dark places inside me feel less hidden and less menacing. The little girl inside me is calm, maybe even a little satisfied. I can feel my brother beside me, and he seems proud. We are all sitting together. I remember a time when I begged him to come back to me, and I felt his tears falling on my face. I dreamed about him walking away from me and disappearing. I dreamed of him being physically with me, but unresponsive, refusing to even look at me while I tried to save him from drowning or freezing to death. Now I feel him sitting next to me, smiling encouragingly. He is silent, but his face says everything. I'm doing good. I'm doing right by him and by myself. I'm not afraid anymore. None of us are. Not even that little girl, because she knows I'll stick up for her now.

I'm having a bit of a Wizard of Oz (one of my favorite series of books) yellow brick road moments. The three of us are finally together, hand in hand, walking down that road together. It's one of those, it's not the destination; it's the journey, kind of roads. A road that takes lots of courage, brains, and heart. It feels like it's going to be a lot easier when I'm not fighting or hiding from myself.

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