Sunday, December 27, 2009

They forgot, because they must

It's hard to believe that there's only four more days of 2009, especially since I still have CPE (continuing professional education, for my CPA) credits to do before the end of the year. I am very tired today. I don't know if this is because when I think of all I have to do before the end of December I get exhausted, or I'm still recovering from my recent health problems. I have been religiously taking my vitamins. I wonder how my vitamin D levels are. I'm starting to think I should look into getting some prescription medication to help me sleep. I have been falling asleep without drugs for the last 3 days, but we'll see how I do later in the week. I am starting to feel a little sad about my brother's birthday on December 31. He would have been turning 32. 32! It's hard to believe. He was 19 when he died.

I'm starting to think about resolutions. I like doing resolutions. The time between my brother's birthday and my birthday on January 21 has traditionally been my time to think about my life and reassess. Also, I look back on the last year. I'm in a bit of a strange place with that because I've realized in the last month that part of my memory is missing. I can acknowledge that there are things that happened that I don't remember, traumatic things, but as of right now I still don't remember. I wonder if I will begin to remember things next year. I guess I am remembering little things that I didn't before. The next year feels really mysterious to me. I know it will bring change, because life always does, but it feels even more unpredictable than normal. Right now I am marveling about how much I don't know. Joseph Campbell said something along the lines of, "He who thinks he knows, doesn't know. He who knows he doesn't know, knows." I know I don't know. I don't know that means I know anything other than that.

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