Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Tickmark of My Life

I have swine flu. :( JUST KIDDING! I have a sinus infection. I actually suspected that was why this sickness was lingering on forever, like, a month ago, but I had overconfidence in the Neti Pot. Really I just don't like going to the doctor, which is weird because my primary doctor is really nice. My medical insurance carrier is changing at the end of the year and I couldn't find her in the network, so I made the appointment for a year-end check-up before I had to find someone else. Turns out they do take my new insurance. Too bad my therapist is still not in network, although I will just be sucking it up and paying more for her. There is no way in hell I am giving up my therapist, stupid insurance.

Now that I am hopped up on antibiotics, I am kind of annoyed with myself for waiting so long to go to my doctor. She kept saying, "6 weeks is a long time to be sick!" and I totally agree. I'm hoping to get my energy back soon, when my body's not so exhausted fighting this. I'm also hoping my sleep might get better too. Last night I actually feel asleep without taking anything, but I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. My therapist told me that the nightmares are flashbacks, and that's why I wake up so terrified. It still feels totally real, even after I wake up. It feels like there is an evil presence in my apartment, but I'm too scared to get out of bed to reassure myself that there's no one there. My therapist has been encouraging me to orient myself in my apartment when I wake up, so rather than staying in the terror of my subconscious and slipping back into the nightmare, bring myself into my conscious mind that knows I'm safe in my apartment and the fear is from the past. Easier said than done, though. I really tried to get myself to get out of bed and walk around until I felt free from the nightmare, but I was too afraid.

I started sleeping with stuffed animals as a way of comforting myself. They do seem to help a little, at least in feeling safe in bed and feeling calm as I curl up with them before I go to sleep. One of them, my tokidoki cactus friend Sandy, has a little description that sounds perfect for my inner child- "The cactus is a sign of protection. Kids are naive and vulnerable and need protection. Sandy and her friends slip themselves into cactus suits because they think the world is a cold and scary place, and they need some armor to face it. The cactus is the conserver of water, and water means life. The Cactus Friends are the representation of life, of being fragile and strong at the same time...and pure like water."

Like when I was a kid, I think my stuffed animals have personalities. My skelanimal (who looks like a skeleton kitty) is the littlest and kind of high-strung and nervous, so he/she (haven't decided yet) sits with Boneses the bear, who is motherly. Knuffle bunny and Lava dragon totally hit it off, so they are always together. Knuffle is wacky and quiet, and Lava is serious and quiet. Sandy stays closest to me. Maybe next time I wake up and I'm too afraid to leave my bed, I can take Sandy with me, and if I do find someone in my apartment I can poke them with her cactus thorns. Or Lava can breathe fire on them.

5 comments:

Sesha said...

I bet they do all have their own personalities. Some that we had in our family for a while certainly did :)

I too am reluctant to see a doctor when I have something like a cold/sinus infection/flu/etc. In my experience it seems to last about the same amount of time whether I go and wind up taking prescription drugs, or not and take OTC stuff to treat symptoms. I'm sure that's not always the case, but I expect I was prescribed too many antibiotics when I was a kid.

Kristina said...

That's totally what I THINK. I don't like taking drugs, especially antibiotics, so I just try to wait it out. Then it gets worse and worse and I end up on antibiotics anyway. Not that often though. But this same thing happened 2 years ago. :P

AixelA said...

I have nightmares too Kristina. My nightmares oftentimes have a lot of blood because of what I went through.

But my little thing is exercise. Since I started, the nightmares actually stopped. I'm not sure why, but I guess all my negative energy is used.

Anyway, when I do have a nightmare, I also wake up and have trouble coming back to reality. I usually try and get up and move around, or listen to my ipod. But, like you said, easier said than done.

julimi said...

I often sleep with a crocodile pillow pal named Chompers. He is fierce. I used to have a lot of nightmares, but they've gotten a bit better over the years. They have come back recently, but still not as bad as they were. They're nearly always about public humiliation.

Kristina said...

Ironically, my nightmares have gotten worse since I started seeing my therapist. But that seems to be because now I can deal with them. With her help, of course.

Chompers sounds awesome!