Wednesday, December 09, 2009

The Unheard Music

Friends warehouse pain attack their own kind a thousand kids bury their parents there's laughing outside we're locked outside the public eye some smooth chords on the car radio no hard chords on the car radio we set the trash on fire and watch outside the door men come up the pavement under the marquee there's laughing inside we're locked outside the public eye

-X, The Unheard Music. Karni Mata icon.

Today, on Freedom Day, I celebrated by playing hockey and staying out of the drama. I just can't tolerate drama along with my inner turmoil. I set up in front of a guy driving to our net, and he tried to go through me. He knocked me on my knees, but I was proud of myself for standing my ground/ice, and grateful for my new women's shoulder pads with extra strong chest protection. That could have hurt, but it didn't. Well, maybe it did a little. I liked my line; I concentrated on the game; I almost intercepted some passes, felt frustrated that I kept missing them, but then congratulated myself for at least being in the right place to intercept passes.

Yesterday. Yesterday I was able to look into a place in my mind I wasn't able to before. I feel confusion and sickening horror. I also feel more solid, because I was looking at a part of my past that had been a total void. It's a time that was before the abuse I remember took place. It's still a dark room, but one that I can acknowledge exists enough to walk into, but too dark to really make out much right now. I want to write about it. I don't want to be vague, but I feel too overwhelmed. I'm fortifying myself with coconut water and corn nuts tonight, fortifying myself to face something that could be more terrifying than everything I've been dealing with up until now. It is truly amazing to me how strong a person's mental defenses can be, and how my mind has been able to slowly reveal things to me when I am ready to process them.


Opal said...

"Trust the process.
Trust YOUR process."

Tealrat said...

I like that. My process is in overgear!